Shaking Up

Questions to ask before you move in together

•   

  • I have consistently taken a fatalistic "why not?" approach to cohabitation. I figured that if a relationship was meant to be, then moving in together wouldn't undermine that. And if it wasn't meant to be, then moving in together would bring about the inevitable end that much sooner.
    But after two failed attempts at cohabitation, I realize there are a couple of flaws to that way of thinking: 1. A relationship shouldn't be seen as a race against time. 2. Even if there is some small degree of truth to my "meant to be" theory of living together, it offers very little comfort when you're packing up your things, searching for a new place to live and wondering why you ever gave up your charming apartment with the high ceilings and crown molding.
    I've been dating my current boyfriend for a year now, which puts me back at the threshold, both literally and figuratively. This time, I'm much more wary of officially shacking up. After all, I'm not 25 anymore. (I'm not even 30 anymore. Heck, I'm closer to 40 than 30. There, I said it.) "Why not?" is no longer the question. Instead, there are real questions—not rhetorical ones. I don't want to back into cohabitation—"sliding, not deciding," as the researchers say. To that end, here, in no particular order of importance, are the questions to ask (yourself and your partner) before becoming roomies.
    
    
    
    
    
    • How much is this about saving money?
      The first time I moved in with a boyfriend, I went from paying $1,500 a month in rent to paying $500. The reason for the major savings? Rent was being split three ways among me, my boyfriend and his brother. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" friends asked before I moved in. Naturally, I ignored their skepticism. I was starting graduate school and I was trying to be smart about money. Little did I know that being smart about money would make me so stupid about everything else. After less than six months, I moved into a new place with a new roommate where the rent was $1,300.
      This time around, I'd be lying if I said that saving money hadn't even crossed my mind. I like to imagine all the things I'd be able to buy with a little more cash on hand. (New shoes, a new comforter, a fancy juicer, more new shoes.) But as much as saving money is appealing, it's a perk, not a primary factor in my decision. Fortunately, I'm no longer in graduate school, so living comfortably alone is within my means. Buying new shoes is also within my means, which means that this time around, I'd like to live together because we both want to, not because it's simply convenient or cost-effective.
      
      
      • Who will clean the bathroom?
        I'm not convinced by a recent Norwegian study that found couples who share household chores are more likely to divorce (studies in other countries have found the opposite to be true: Sharing household chores makes for a stronger relationship). But in an article in The Telegraph, a co-author of the Norwegian study does offer this helpful caveat to make sense of its findings: "Maybe it's sometimes seen as a good thing to have very clear roles....There could be less quarrels, since you can easily get into squabbles if both have the same roles and one has the feeling that the other is not pulling his or her own weight."
        This makes sense to me. When it comes to cleaning the bathroom, I'm happy to do it, mostly because my idea of a clean bathroom is different from my boyfriend's idea. (He can take laundry and dishes.) All I ask is that he screw the top back on the toothpaste and please, please dry off on the bath mat. There is nothing I like less than puddles on the bathroom floor. 
        
        
        • How will you split the expenses?
          My boyfriend and I are pretty laid-back about money. Maybe too laid-back. We both tend to pay our respective bills late and don't think twice about the fact that we order in or eat out almost every night. (This is one of the luxuries of being in your mid-30s and without any real responsibilities, i.e. children.) Sometimes I pick up the tab; sometimes he does, especially when it's on the pricier side. I like this setup. There's no real keeping track. It makes us generous with each other.
        • But common sense tells me that carrying this vague arrangement into cohabitation could be tricky. As long as our financial situations are comparable, I'm a proponent of going halfsies on the rent and bills. What I can't do is keep track of who spent what on groceries or other odds and ends that vary from week to week, month to month. In this way, I hope we can still continue to be generous with each other.
          
          
          Your place or mine?
          In a word: neither.
          His place would always be his place and mine would be mine. Unless there's some mitigating factor (like one of you owns your place or has an insanely good deal on an amazing rent-controlled apartment), then moving in should require both parties to actually move, preferably to a place with hardwood floors and lots of light.
          
          
          What are your intentions?
          You don't get to be a woman in her mid-30s without hearing that thing about "not buying the cow when you can get the milk for free" at least a few times. The saying presumes far too much—like that a woman of course wants to get married and that a man doesn't. I, for one, am not 100 percent sold on marriage. It sounds nice, but not necessary, at least not right away. What I would like to know is that my boyfriend and I are both making a conscious decision about cohabitation (see page one, third paragraph).
          Part of growing up means slowing down. I'm in less of a rush now than I was in my mid-20s. I know that when it comes to relationships, making strict plans and plotting out arbitrary timelines is of little use. Instead, being honest and thoughtful about where you're both at now, today, in this very moment, is the best way to move forward. 
          
          
          
          
          From msn.com/ Posted by Mags