If you've been hiding any of this stuff, it's time to fess up.
"Secretly spending and trying to hide the purchases is a big indicator
that there’s not a lot of trust in your relationship,” says Ian Kerner, a relationship expert and author of
Passionista.
Try to figure out why you’re not disclosing what you buy: Do you feel
that your decisions are being ridiculed? Does your husband tend to
control the majority of the money or your relationship overall? Or do
you have a problem with compulsive spending? Then, come clean. Explain
that you know you spent too much, but that there's a reason you didn't
share—for example, you haven't felt comfortable expressing your needs in
general recently. Use this mistake as an opportunity to get on the same
page about not just money, but also about how to effectively
communicate and stand by your wants and needs. Kerner then suggests
devising a budget in which you both allocate funds for personal
discretionary spending, which will help set you up as financial equals.
And make an agreement that any time you’re considering making a purchase
over a set amount, say $100, you’ll discuss it with each other before
you plunk down your credit card.
Telling your hubs that you’ve been faking it since giving birth six
months ago would downright devastate him. Since he likely thinks he’s
been doing a great job, avoid throwing grenade into your relationship
and instead approach him with a new fantasy that you’d like try. “Have a
vision about what would excite you and then present the sexy wish,”
says Kerner. Suggest using a vibrator together, trying a new position,
or simply locking your bedroom door if you’re worried about the kids and
having a hard time concentrating. It's natural that passion ebbs and
flows in a relationship—and just because it's on the low-end right now
doesn't mean that situation's permanent.
You and your husband had a disagreement. Instead of letting bygones be
bygones, you make a derogatory comment about him behind his back—to your
kid. And this may not be the first time you’ve bashed your man in front
of your children. “Forming alliances with your kids not only creates a
wedge in your marriage, but it can also cause anxiety for kids, who
you’re burdening with issues that they shouldn’t have to know about and
simply can’t handle,” says Kerner. The best way to resolve the situation
is to open up a three-way conversation. Tell your husband what you’ve
been up to and that you recognize it’s a problem. Then have a
conversation with your kid letting them know that dumping on their dad
was a mistake and that it won't happen again. Either on your own or with
the help of a therapist, try to figure out the root of your negative
emotions, and work to tell your husband—not another person outside of
your marriage—when you’re angry with him.
It’s one thing to go out with some of your friends and have a couple of
cocktails, but if you’re drinking to self-soothe, there’s a good chance
you might have a problem. “Drinking and hiding it is a classic pattern
of substance abuse,” says Kerner. If you think an issue is starting to
develop, talk through your concerns with your husband. Are you lonely or
bored with parenthood? Do you need to change your career?" Assure him
that you’re asking for his help because you don’t like what’s
happening,” says Kerner. If opening up about the problem alone isn't
prompting you to cut back, Alcoholics Anonymous can help figure out next steps.
It started as a fight about who should come home to relieve the babysitter
and ended in you both taking a couple of cheap shots. But the mud he
slung is still smarting—and every time you think about it, your blood
boils. Over time, bottling up your emotions creates resentment, which
can lead to feeling perpetually angry with your partner. Ultimately, if
you don’t express yourself, you’ll just lash out at each other and say
hurtful things that you really don’t mean. “It’s not bad to
argue—fighting is a form of communication—but you have to be
constructive,” says Kerner. “As a couple, you need to learn how to
complain about solvable problems instead of criticizing each other.”
Start by fessing up to why you’re still upset and work to clear the air.
Then move on by developing guidelines for how to argue more
productively, such as instigating a no-name-calling rule.
Some not-so-classy pictures from a spring-break fling have found their
way onto Facebook. Or that time you got arrested in college all of a
sudden popped up on a Google search of your name. It’s not easy, but
it’s better to fill your husband in before he discovers this stuff on
his own. “When you don’t share your past experiences as they come up,
you miss an opportunity to get your partner’s support and feel closer,”
says Sue Johnson, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of the
upcoming book
Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships.
Say
something like, “It’s hard to tell you this, but I’ve recently been
reminded of something happened a long time ago, and it’s really
bothering me. Can you listen to the story?”
“We usually get ‘extreme’ in response to stress—which is just the time
when you should turn to someone you love for support,” says Johnson.
“They can help us find our emotional balance.” Since food issues are
potentially damaging to those around you too, you shouldn’t face them
alone. “While it might seem like handling it on your own is the
responsible thing to do, your partner is likely to become hurt and angry
that you didn’t share or confide in him,” adds Johnson. She suggests
broaching the subject by saying, “I have been restricting myself around
food a lot, and this seems to have a life of its own now. I’m worried
that I don’t know what to do. Maybe I just need to share it with you.”
But if you suspect you have or may be developing an eating disorder,
merely speaking with a loved one isn’t going to fix things. Consider
getting professional help by contacting the National Eating Disorders Association.
“Depression interferes with your ability to engage with others and tune
into them,” says Johnson. “It will definitely affect your ability to be a
really loving parent or partner. But we’ve found in couples therapy
that an important step in coming out of depression is connecting with
your partner.” So tell your husband that you’ve been sinking into a bad
place, and that you don’t know what to do about it. Share your fear
surrounding talking about your feelings—that it’s scary because you
don’t want your guy to think less of you or see you as someone who can’t
cope. “In the best relationships, people don’t have to be perfect—but
they do have to be present,” says Johnson. And that’s hard to do if
you’re hiding your feelings of vulnerability. While it’s important to
tell your man if you’ve been down in the dumps, it’s vital to seek
professional help if the black cloud doesn’t seem to lift on its own.
Find a therapist through the American Psychological Association.
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